It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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