I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
