I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sext me about skeletons
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
