I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
