Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
