Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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