theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
