My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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