at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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