I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
