i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
