i think i have two assholes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
