he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
