Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
