I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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