dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
