Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
