life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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