it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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