Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
