I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
