Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
