My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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