tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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