I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize