Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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