I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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