I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
