He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
