I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
