defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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