it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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