my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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