Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize