When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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