My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
