I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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