I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
