The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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