My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
