My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
