I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
