Pappa wants mamma naked
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
