Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
