it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
