peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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