you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
