You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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