Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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