she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
