Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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