I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
