I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Floor bacon is actually really good
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
