I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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