My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize