i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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