I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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