Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
