So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
