So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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