I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
