the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
