then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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