i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
