pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
