I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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