did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
