Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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