who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sext me about skeletons
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
