All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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