I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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