that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
