a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize