the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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