Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
